juna's Blog

 I wonder how much people recognize what I am going to write about. Please let me know if you do. This is the only place where I dare to share it completely because I am afraid that some people would simply think it is crazy.

When I read books, I am really pulled inside it 'so much' that I can start thinking in the way the writer thinks. I can really feel a change in myself. It does not matter what kind of book, it only has to be one that fits well enough with what I like to draw me in. After that I really notice myself following the kind of mind the writer has, and it sticks with me for some time. It leaves of course, but still.. I am so surprized sometimes at how powerfull books really are for me. If for example certain values are put in the persona of the book, which can be recognized by the reader, I just fall into this.. way. I do not know how to explain what I mean clearly.

I have this with movies too but also with people around me. It is more or less the same, only those are real and books and films are fiction. I kind of take over what people are, I fall into that and change. Not in how I 'want to be', I just become what they are a little bit more.

Do people recognize it? And if yes, what does it mean? Because in a way it is pretty scary.

Why do I know so many things to write about on one day, and why can I be completely empthy on another? (at the moment empthy means: 'no idea`s' kind of empthy, not a kind of empthy in any other dramatic way).

Why is it? what happens? 

I am the same person, the same mind, the same soul. Why am I filled with energetic idea`s in one moment and not in another?

I really wonder.

It is clear that I feel like writing, but have no creative flow going on at the moment. I am just blank (I did play the harp, that would involve some creativity, but other then that.. )

....... (in this blog episode dots mean 'thinking')

............

I think that having no flow going on is linked to being less connected to love, for some reason.

...

I think that is it! So, I am now going to connect again. I know why I am less connected I think, I just need to make my heart connect to two people I know again. Maybe then it is ok. (loving them made me energetic before, so..)

Lol, I hope you liked me sharing this non-sense blog (for me it is not non-sense)

 Does anyone else here sometimes thinks about cleaning? I do not mean cleaning your house, or cleaning whatever thing that is on the outside, I mean the inside. I do, a lot. Because I believe that everything I exeprienced so far, has given me a certain feeling, a certain energy. I feel that sometimes I, and people, hold on to these energies. Sometimes its fun, but sometimes it will also bring me of track again and again because the energy/feeling a 'bad' experience gave me is still with me. I believe that it is possible to clean that, I feel that I have already cleaned some things away, and some not. Some are more difficult to reach and to change.

And.. I have not completely found out 'how' exactly I do it, and I want to think about that. 

So.. how is it done, how does it happen? Not by thinking, thinking about it over and over again, making sense of it, does not work. I know that for sure almost because I know how I have thought about bad past experiences over and over again, and the feeling of it just did not change even when I made myself completely understand the experience or made myself accept. It is all temporary because the energy of the experience is still with me. 

So how do I remove that energy, how did I do that or how did that happen?
I think.. for me, it happened with love, the love of a friend. I have one friend that is just so free in how he is. So free. He does what he is.

Because he does what he is, I trust him. And because what he is, is loving, warm and wonderful, he helps me. He is a wise person and never tries to make me think in different ways. Only when I find things out myself, only then he starts explaining something. He understands what happens inside of me, he sees when a thing happens and what it is. Sometimes when I have been working on something really hard, coping with all the emotions that go with it, and have understood. Then he calls, just like that. He knows.

He is honest, pure.

This 'way', is.. I almost believe, one of the strongest cleaning experiences I know. So.. I am thinking now.. if this is one of those things that will help clean. Then still, it is not possible to always be with that. A friend can only be there for moments. Especially this one, he comes from far, very far. Like 10 hours away with an airplane. Sometimes he is closer though, for some weeks or months.

But what can I do myself, for cleaning?

Maybe.. maybe I can try to be what I am, to do what I am. Maybe if I am this, I will come closer to being able to work even when I am 'alone' (without him physically close).

If you can relate, more or less, to 'thinking about how to clean inside', you can add your way of doing that.

Oh! I remember another way. One time I had it very bad, I was completely in old memories and pain, I cried a lot and was not strong at all. I dreamed about not being able to move, my body not listening to what I wanted to do. When I woke up I talked to my friend later on and from this story he know that I was very unbalanced at the moment. He told me to go to the beach and the sea, to walk in the sea with my feet, to run there. And all of this early in the morning. It took me three days to make myself daring enough to go (when I am unbalanced I do not go out of the house so much). I went 5 o clock in the morning, so that I would be able to see the sun rise. It was cold (some months ago) so I had sweaters on and brought a blanket, bread and warm coffee with me. 

It was completely deserted there, 'no person at all' was there to witness me being there. I was completely alone. This on its own felt so wonderfully freeïng. I had to tell myself a couple of times that I was really completely alone and then.. then I could run and jump, walk in the sea, sing. He had told me to run, put my feet in the earth and the water, to be free. And I felt this 'so much'. It was amazing to be free, to not care about what the world thinks. I felt so happy, so pure, so much 'with the beach and the sea'. I 'loved' it. I watched the sun rise, bringing colour to the world. I discovered a way into the dunes and found even more colour, birds, flowers, grass, and the amazing rising sun above it. I drank my coffee there, instead of at home like 'every' morning. I ate my bread sitting on a blanket in the sand, watching this sun.. instead of at home like 'every' morning. I felt so alive.

I loved this experience so extremely that I went for two more days, I did not go to work because I suddenly felt how important it was to experience this freedom, it was truly healing. But then another friend called and said that I could not do this, enjoying my time and not being at work. She told me to go to work. This brought me down so much that I stopped going all together and went back to work. It felt like I was not allowed, as if 'no one' is allowed to have healing time. I was sick, not physically but inside. Its as important as being physically sick, probably even more because how you are inside will affect 'everything' on the outside. It will even make you physically sick.

Anyway, those days where 'very strong' in a cleaning way. Very strong.

Do you have other ways? I would love to hear them.